


the rules say our emotions don't comply (but we'll defy the rules until we die)

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Unplanned Pregnancy, F/M, it is weird day, jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:35:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3544619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t know what to do yet, I just need some time” she had said while she sucked her sixth ice-cube.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the rules say our emotions don't comply (but we'll defy the rules until we die)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Sinners' by Lauren Aquilina

 The worst thing about it was that it started at a MacDonald’s.

 

Because talking about it now, you can't even say you meet at a cool place like a bar or something. It was just a bloody McDonalds. Sirius teases you about it when Lily isn’t around, “just like Prongs to knock up a girl he had just met at a _McDonalds”._

 

Sirius really is a shit.

 

You still remember that first day actually, Lily scoffs when you tell her this but you do, swear. She was wearing that white shirt with a black bra and it was raining. “Ah, so that’s why you remember me” Lily says, raising her eyebrows and you punch her arm because it was _not_ like that _._ Boobs were only half of it, thank you very much. Really it was the eyes, or maybe the hair. Maybe it was everything. Maybe it really was just the boobs.

 

However it didn’t matter what happened at the McDonalds, what mattered was what happened after. You never did pay to replace that photo-frame you broke when you threw her bra rather wildly at the wall. Oh well. Her sister was in that frame, and Petunia can go to hell.

 

When you snuck out in the morning you stubbed your toe and you swore so loudly that old lady in the apartment along opened her door and hissed at you like a cat. You hissed back. You actually remember thinking _well now at least I have something to remember that by_ when you looked down at your bleeding toe. Ha. Oh the irony.

 

Remus laughed when you told him about the old lady and Peter gave you some ointment for your toe and if you’re honest with yourself, you almost forgot. She was just a girl, after all. Sure, a pretty girl with good hair, nice eyes and great boobs. But just a girl. Being twenty-one and having Sirius Black as a best mate meant you saw a lot of pretty girls.

 

The funny thing was you were only in that McDonalds again a month later because Peter had a crush on the girl who worked on Thursday nights. So the one person who thought you were making a huge mistake actually lead you right into the ‘huge mistake’ in the first place. _Fuck._ There is so much irony in your life you’re lucky you haven’t choked on it yet.

 

You remember her walking up to you and looking you dead in the eye. She didn’t say anything like in those movies like “We need to talk” or “I have news”. She just said “follow me” and walked over to the furthest table in the corner.  She wasn’t crying ether when she said it. Actually forced the words out of her mouth and you remember the world shattering. You felt it. All your plans and ideas and drunken wonderings had literally broken and they fell around your shoulders, you were bleeding onto the dirty table.

 

“ _Fuck._ ”  You remember saying, running your hand through your hair and looking down, because it felt like if you looked at those eyes any longer you were going to bleed right out and become nothing at all.

 

She hadn’t said anything, and when you looked up you knew what you had to say, because you are not an asshole. And that is just how it worked.

 

“What do you want to do?”

 

She looked as if you’d slapped her, and you had this horrible feeling that that _was not_ what she wanted you to say.

 

“What do you mean ‘what do you want to do?!’” she had hissed, looking at you in that weird way with her bloody eyes again.

 

“I mean, what do you want to do.” You were confused. It is hard to think when you are leaking.

 

“I don’t bloody know, do I? What do _you_ want to do, Huh?”

 

You were quiet for a minute, and when you looked up you realised she was looking at you without really seeing you.

 

“Please tell me what to do” she had whispered, and your heart aches now when you think about it, how her whole body seemed to be little, how Lily, for once in her life had become small.

 

In the end, she went back to her apartment and you went back to yours. You took her number, and when Sirius asks you what that ‘chick with the hair’ wanted when you were watching ‘Deal of No Deal’ reruns that night  you felt your lungs falling into your stomach, useless. You remember blurting it out,

 

“She’s pregnant.”

 

You remember Sirius dropping his thick shake on your living room carpet and Remus staring at you with eyes far, far too big. It was so quiet you could hear your own heartbeat.

 

She came by the next week with her hair in a ponytail and a king size family cartoon of juice.

 

“I figured since four boys lived here there would be a shit ton of beer, and I wanted something to drink other than water.” she had confessed, moving past you and the thick shake stain that still wouldn’t come out.

 

You stared at the now empty door way. “Smart move” you had said, shutting it.

 

When Sirius had come out and met her he’d winked, and she’d winked back. Remus said that thought they had some ice and would she like some for her juice, she had said yes and when he brought it over she ate nearly half of your ice-tray raw, like they were lollipops. Peter hadn’t said anything, just nodded and went into his room for an hour.

 

“I don’t know what to do yet, I just need some time” she had said while she sucked her sixth ice-cube.

 

“Okay.” you had said. Then you had watched an episode of ‘Coronation Street’ that was the only thing on your DVR. Sirius yelled things at the characters and Lily commented on how the set up for the actually street was really odd while she chugged juice. You looked at Lily’s flat stomach and tried not to throw up.

 

It wasn’t the thought of what your family would say, your parents were dead and so was everyone else, it was what would happen. There would be a person, maybe, who looked a little bit like you in the world. There would be a person who maybe had your skin and eyes. There would be a person that you might actually have to be responsible for. And that thought scared the shit out of you, because you could barely look after yourself.

 

She ended up coming over a lot, in the end. Sometimes it felt like time slowed down when she was there, and you just needed a little more time. She filled up your DVR with shitty 2006 rom-coms and dog-eared all your books. She threw out that ten week old lettuce in the fridge and had said that you were all ‘disgusting shitlords’ for eating raw spaghetti for dinner on Wednesday’s.  She and Sirius had arm wrestling competitions and she helped Remus finally set all their clocks to the right time.

 

When she threw up for the first time, leaning over your toilet and attempting to breathe in-between like a normal functioning person you felt like someone was throwing things at your head. Maybe it was God. You had held her hair back anyway, and when she said she needed water you just got her the whole ice-tray and handed it over. She had smiled. You had felt better.

 

Peter was always out of the house, always had somewhere important to be that wasn’t right here. But your brain was to full to think about what it meant. You went to the three month ultra-sound with her and ended up holding her hand. It was little and freckly, but warm. Still warm. You didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of love when you saw the screen, you just went home and threw up, because _oh god what the fuck are you doing you can't do this you can't._

She knocked on your door in the middle of the night in the fourth month and when you blearily opened it she was crying. She kept saying _she found out she found out_ over and over as you pulled her onto the couch. She had sobbed into your t-shirt for the rest of the night and you stroked her hair and told her that it was okay while your teeth bleed.

 

You found out later that ‘she’ was Petunia. The sister, who rented Lily’s apartment to her and liked ugly floral duvets. You found out later that she had thrown Lily out of the apartment, because ‘whores’ didn’t get to live under a roof she technically owns.

 

Lily kind-of moves in after that. Eventually she just found herself being there more often than anywhere else. Her tooth brush sat in that stupid cup that Remus had bought from Morocco like everyone else’s and she stacked the cupboard with juice.

 

She played Sing Star with you and laughed when you butchered ‘I’m bringing Sexy Back’. She tried to teach you how to cook pasta and you ended up having a food fight where you mashed sauce into her hair and she threw herbs into your eyes. She tried to do your washing and turned all your shirts green, you and Sirius teased her and forced her into a tiny, bright green shirt while she screamed.

 

You told her how you dropped out of college because you realised you hated everything you were doing. She came to your work and made horrible bets on all the races while you smirked and gave her free lemonade. She woke up in the middle of the night and screamed for marshmallows so you, Sirius and Remus made you way to the supermarket at three in the morning and returned with fifteen packets of marshmallows costing four bloody dollars a bag. She ate them all in three days and threw up pink for a week.

 

She drove your car and you held onto anything you could and vowed ‘NEVER FUCKING AGAIN LILY WATCH THAT CAT”. She sprayed whipped cream on your nose and you tried to lick it off. She bought a real pan to put in your empty cupboards and yelled at Sirius when he didn’t put toilet paper on the shopping list. She threw Jaffa’s into your mouth while you tried to catch them, and when you did you hugged her.

 

There was no conversation about keeping the baby, it just happened. One day you went out and found an old crib on eBay. Sirius convinced his mate’s cousin’s mum or something to part with the mobile. Remus dumped his entire collection of his Grandmothers knitted baby clothes on the table when he came home from work one day. You and Sirius attempted to baby proof your drawers and ended up having to un-baby-proof them because you could figure out how to open anything. Lily had laughed, and you had stuck your tongue out at her. The conversation wasn’t had, but you were out of time, and it didn’t worry you that much anymore.

 

You remember Peter finally snapping, coming in one day and losing his shit because he thought “YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THIS STUPID JAMES, YOU _CAN’T_ DO THIS.” You remember him yelling that you were an idiot, that you couldn’t take care of a bag of flour, that you were selfish and _fucking childish._ That you would amount to nothing, because you had no college education and were an idiot. You remember Eight-month pregnant Lily reaching over and punching him in the mouth, breaking his four front teeth. You remember having to hold Sirius back as he roared and Peter to ‘get the fuck out you fucking _asshole’._ You remember lying awake in your bed hearing his word over and over until Lily snuck in and whispered some different ones.

 

You remember that day the best though, that day when it was one-o’clock in the afternoon and Lily had just started screaming from the bathroom. You remember her screaming and screaming while you called the ambulance and Sirius told her to calm down. You remember her screaming on the ride over, screaming as you went in, screaming as you were told to ‘ _stay in the waiting room please Sir we need to help your wife._ You remember Sirius yelling that she ‘wasn’t his bloody wife now let us through, Lily! Lily!’

 

You heard the screaming in your head while you paced the waiting room for twelve hours and listened to Remus nervously biting his nails. You wanted to rip past the bloody nurse and see her, just for a minute, just to see she was okay. Because there had been so much screaming, and so much blood.

 

_Pleaseletherbealrightpleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease._

You remember finally being allowed in and seeing a person who looked a lot like Lily, but who wasn’t. Because Lily was never that pale. Lily was never that still. You remember hearing yourself screaming her name and the nurse telling her that she was okay, just sleeping. She was okay. She was okay.  

 

The person in the tiny blanket that the nurse had given you was so little. He had little fingers little hand little toes. He was too little, and you were scared you were going to break him, so scared. But you didn’t, because it turns out little people are tougher than you  had expected. He had your hair, you remember Sirius telling you in the back of your brain. He also had Lily’s eyes, and you had looked and looked and looked until you couldn’t remember any two people with better eyes in the world. These two people, who were both sleeping right then, had the best eyes in the world.

 

You remember signing all the forms after a week and wheeling Lily out in the wheelchair while Sirius threw rose petals and Remus sang. You remember the house being a mess, you remember crying done by everyone, not just the baby. You remember three a.m. wakeups and expensive nappies. You remember little smiles and baby food that looked like pus. You remember your empty wallet, tired eyes, tiny fingernails, hats, car seats, banning Lily from driving, eating a pineapple whole as you drove late to work, not washing your hair, Lily’s dressing gown, Sirius putting his pillow over his head, laughing, throwing bottles, loud toys, tiny teeth, small jackets, baby powder, losing the dummy, losing the baby, weird voices, picking Lily up and spinning her around while she whooped because he finally slept through the night. You remember _everything._

You will remember right now, sitting on the kitchen floor at two a.m. with a person who has your hair and the best eyes playing with that annoying rattle. You will remember pushing red hair out of your eyes and telling Lily to stop losing all her hair ties. You will remember her smiling, leaning against you and kissing your shoulder. You will remember her laugh her hair her eyes her face her ice-tray her with sauce in her hair her bad driving her screaming her smiling. You will remember it all. 

 

You will remember the McDonalds, and her white shirt with the black bra she wore that day it rained.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
